Today Dad will be buried in Meeker, Colorado. Mom is riding up with the funeral home director and Dad’s body -a five hour trek there and five hours back. It is hard to think that he will be that far away from us. But I have to remember that is just his body and he wanted it to be with his family there. He is still here with us in many, many ways. But it has been so hard. Guilt and regrets and memories and such a tremendous sense of loss just wracks my mind sometimes. I still can’t believe it was hardly a week ago he was winning at craps right here in my house!
The hearse outside my parents’ (mom’s) house
When I am busy planning his memorial, when I am busy DOING something it is not so bad, but when I stop to rest for a moment it all floods me. Especially at night, right before bed. I didn’t think my body could make so many tears. It’s ridiculous. Certainly, I’ve been to other funerals over the course of my life, but never, never have I felt such a deep connection and loss. I feel like part of me died along with Dad. Stupid tears, here they come again.
And finding that letter Dad had written to me when I graduated high school. How he and mom were “button-popping proud” and how I shouldn’t let powerful people change me, that I should change them! That was Dad, and I am having a hard time picturing my life without him there to talk to. It is all too much. It is such a void. Really, tears?! Come on.
So anyway, today he will be buried. We saw him one last time at a final private viewing yesterday. He looked so much better than when I watched him struggle for his last breath. He was dressed in his red shirt, blue jeans and boots, like so many pictures we have of him, except as if he were sleeping. He looked good. Hardly a wrinkle or even grey hair. But he also looked like a wax figure. A cold wax figure. But I’m glad I saw him -or his mortal coil anyway- one last time.
We have a nice service planned for Saturday. My friend Marjorie made this invitation, if you would like to come. We are hoping it will be a celebration of his life more than a mourning of his death. But I know it will be a little of both. We warned UNC that we will be needing extra Kleenex, for those darn tears.
(Click to enlarge image.)
